Breakfast.
What is on your mind? What are you doing? Are you feeling, watching,
reading, listening, eating? What are you eating? Are you eating Ice
cream, lunch, popcorn, a protein bar, pizza?
Are
you feeling? What are you feeling? Are you feeling guilty,
better, stuffed, crappy, old, pretty, lonely, fresh, worse, inspired?
Did you already let them know that you are thinking of them? Did you
help him celebrate his birthday? Haven’t you? I will send you some
more reminders then. Did you see those twelve on the left-hand side?
I thought you might want to become friends.
He,
he and she are interested in this event. Aren’t you? You don’t
have to go but you might at least say that you are interested…
Ok.
Super! What about these two events? They are related so maybe you can
be interested again? What do you say? Ah, ok. I will get back on that
later… Did you know that since your last visit she became
friends with seven new people? She now has 756 friends all together.
Also here, on your right side I have put the ‘trending’ column
for you. I wasn’t really sure which subjects you were
interested in the most, but I thought that purple hair hype or
Kardashian giving birth are a universal start no? Do you like?
I
know you read it but do you like it? Are you interested? Look! They
got engaged yesterday at 4pm! In the sunset by the ocean and
coconuts, it seems. Like, comment, share?
Like.
286
others liked what you liked. He left a comment. She has seen it at
07:27. You left the conversation.
Brunch.
Table
for one please, thank you.
I
take a newspaper from the rack and throw it at the table. I unpack my
book, agenda, notebook and a pencil case. I sip on the overheated cup
of coffee and sit Sam just next to me. I like to have him in my view.
He makes me feel available, responsive and ready, occasionally even
excited. At times though, he makes me feel anxious and restless. It
happens mostly when he gives me too much information at once, or when
he says nothing at all. Actually, I think I hate the second one more.
It
makes me feel very fidgety, as if something is missing or so. This
restlessness always steals all my focus away and drags it back to
him. I even think that he does it simply for the sake of attention,
to make sure that he is still the center of attraction. Mostly or
always I give in. Then he surely is.
I
put the book down, take him in my hands and begin to check. I start
with swiping and caressing this flat and cold body of his. I scroll
up and down across new haircuts, last night’s dream analysis, life
events, sweaty selfies, environmental petitions or health shakes of
people I barely know but that somehow manage to make it into my
memory space. I scroll up and down thinking that I used to always
find something to giggle at, but now it is not so easy to stumble
across laughter anymore.
I rather
trip over 681 different opinio – confessions. Sometimes,
I thumb them up. Most often though, I just keep on stroking, looking
for something, finding nothing, realizing that the coffee has gone
cold, time has passed and that somebody else is waiting to share this
very table for one.
I
pack my book, agenda, notebook and a pencil case. I take a newspaper
back to the rack and calculate how much got wasted again. I leave,
holding Sam still in my hands.
Lunch.
We
have met four years ago and friended each other the day after. For
the first two years we shared our lunch daily but since the last two,
we only have 133 friends in common. Today, among many busy Mac bees,
we are lunching again. It is good to see her; it’s been a while
now.
…
Is
she really typing down all that I am saying? Neh, I doubt that, but
maybe. But I think she would have asked. Ok, I stopped talking, but
she is still typing. Maybe she is just quickly translating some of
the words that I said? Nope, I don’t think so. Strange, she just
asked ‘so how are YOU?’ for the third time in the last
15 minutes. She must have noticed the silence. It seems like silence
might be making her uncomfortable. She begins to talk again, to share
her story, some numbers and victories.
I
ask a question and she talks again. We giggle and then stop. Empty
handed silence. It seems like empty handed silence might be making
her even more uncomfortable.
(5
second suspension) …
She
reaches for you, taps your belly four times and you show her this
cute photo of her. She relaxes. I wait and wonder if there is still
some sharing to come, or is it only selfish from now on.
Afternoon
tea and a biscuit.
Hey
YOU! You should have just pulled her straight into your luminous,
pixelled world, I thought.
She
is tiny, she would have fitted in and I wouldn’t have to sit there
and wonder for an hour and a half. Next time though, when I meet a
friend, let me! Let me talk and look at her without you being there
staring at us at all times ready to steal her gaze, her index finger
and our spoken words making me, once again, feel not interesting
enough and not interested often enough. Will you? Thx.
Sent.
Delivered. Seen at 16:39.
Dinner.
By
dinner time Sam still didn’t have anything to say. I checked on him
after I ate and before I went to bed. There was no reply. Digital
Distraction nor Infomania never responded to me. Neither did the Fear
of Missing Out which, to be honest, was to be expected.
We
never met personally but we all grew up next to each other. Since a
good few years we have been learning from, taking and using each
other to know more and to look better. I guess that is why it became
so hard to suddenly admit that it isn’t working between us anymore
or to at least establish a distance of some sort. It used to be fun
but now it feels as if all three of them forgot about the promised
friendship. As if all they want is to steal big amounts of
audible talk, patience, time, stillness, focus and self-confidence,
in return having to offer addictions and hunger for some more
dependence.
Sam
blinked!
I
promised myself I wasn’t going to touch him anymore that night but
letting him lie there and blink for a long period of time felt wrong.
I gave in. I swiped, scrolled and saw that 27th person
liked my picture. I relaxed and smiled to myself. A few minutes later
I must have already been asleep.
February
2016.
